My daughter celebrated her first birthday on New Year’s Day.

I said and over again to my husband: “How could a year have possibly passed this quickly—especially THIS year.”

But here we are. She’s officially a one-year-old and I’ve completed a year postpartum.

The amount of information I’ve consumed, experiences that I’ve had and things I’ve learned is beyond comprehension. The respect I have for mothers who have gone be for me is immeasurable.

I think about the day I gave birth to Giuliana often. It feels like yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. I remember everything so vividly— that long 24 hours at home where we labored and prepared for her to come into this world.

And while I planned and I planned for her birth and delivery, I hadn’t focused on the postpartum period as much as I should have. I spoke about it with my doula, I purchased books and received some personal hygiene gift packets from friends, but when I say I had no idea what it would be like... I had no f*cking clue.

In preparation for delivery, I read Ina May Gaskin’s book Guide to Childbirth— and what really stuck with me were the countless testimonials from mothers who gave birth naturally. Many states that once the child was out of their body and into this world, the pain was gone.

I had a very similar experience. Once she was out, that childbirth pain that had felt so all-consuming was suddenly gone and I was basking in the total euphoria of holding my daughter in my arms.

But then the next day came.

My body was beat up, I was bleeding, I could barely walk. Going to the bathroom was suddenly the most cumbersome thing I’ve ever had to do.

I kept thinking to myself: holy hell. How did I not see this coming? And not only was my own body in need of major recovery, now I had this crying, screaming baby that I had to feed from my breasts countless times of day. How was I ever going to handle that?

Oh—and then my blood pressure spiked a week postpartum and I wound up back in the hospital for a mild case of postpartum preeclampsia. I spent two days hooked up to IVs, away from my daughter. They wouldn’t let me eat and I could barely move. My poor husband was jockeying between the hospital and our apartment, leaving my daughter with my parents and our doula to be by my side.

Giuliana in February 2020 when she was one month old

This terrifying experience was surely one I learned from.

Firstly, when the dust settled and I began speaking with friends in the medical community as well as other moms who experienced preeclampsia—- I realized mine was an extremely mild case. When my blood pressure was slightly elevated in the hospital after giving birth, I should have simply been given a low dose blood pressure medication. My levels were not even close to as high as my friends who were hospitalized, but I had no idea about that at the time. They told me I could potentially have a stroke, so we wanted to be cautious.

I now know that if/ when we have a second child, I will let my OB know from the beginning that I should be on a baby aspirin throughout the course of my pregnancy and if after delivery my levels are slightly high, I’ll refuse to leave until I have a prescription for a low dose of meds.

I will advocate for myself and for my relevant preexisting condition, but will be in control of the situation.

So while that was physically, mentally and emotionally grueling, I still had to go back home to my child to care for her while trying to care for myself.

When my 6-week postpartum visit with my doctor came and went, I still didn’t feel great. My doc cleared me for everything including exercise, sex—she just cautioned me to “take it easy”.

It took me five full months to heal from delivery. I looked to outside sources for help. I hired a pelvic floor specialist (Rachel Parrotta) who did everything virtually. She gave me things to do, exercises to try and self- massage techniques to implement. She gave me a clear assessment of my scaring through photos I sent her. Without her, I undoubtedly would have done something too soon and would’ve hurt my body. I’m thankful I listened to that little voice inside me that told me to seek help.

When I felt healed, I slowly implemented more physical activities like daily exercise and walks. So just when I was starting to feel more like myself, Giules was developing at the speed of light. We’d get used to a certain behavior or sleep pattern, then she would change.

Not to mention we went into lockdown in March at the onset of the pandemic and I was trying to navigate all of this while stuck in the house quarantining with my parents. We were all scared and emotional never having experienced anything like a global pandemic before, but the added layer of being postpartum was beyond difficult for me.

There were days I was so tired, scared and overwhelmed that I would just cry in the shower. And I came to the point where I couldn’t decipher what feelings I was even crying about it. Was it postpartum? Was it being in lockdown? Was it being overwhelmed with being a new mom or fear over going back to work? I wasn’t sure. My pelvic floor specialist suggested a therapist whose focus was on postpartum moms and family dynamics (Mommy Groove). She was an incredible resource then and now, helping me work through my feelings during extremely emotional times.

We also enlisted sleep consultants to help us get Giuliana on a schedule when she turned 6 months old (Littlest Learners). Working with them was the best money we spent on anything childcare related and I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

My new mom group suggested a great organic baby food book that served as my bible around the same time we were sleep training her. We loved making different purées and trying out different spices for meals. She didn’t like everything we tried, but we keep offering different things every few weeks and she surprises us how often she gives a new food a shot. My sleep consultants suggested I follow Pediatric Dieticia, Pegah Jalali on Instagram. She provided and continues to provide such incredible information for free on her page.

What I continue to struggle with today is my physical state. I haven’t lost all the baby weight and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure this isn’t baby weight anymore— it’s stress weight from living and working from home during a pandemic.

My lifestyle is completely different then it was a year ago and given the fact I’m not walking to work 5 days a week in Manhattan or exercising at the gym regularly, there’s no possible way I can make up for how active I was then as I am now. And I am safely working out at least 5 days a week plus walks with the baby now.

But I do my best to be kind to myself on days that I feel down, honoring my new life and admitting that living during a pandemic period has affected everyone negatively. I am not alone, but that shouldn’t stop me from striving to do better.

I’ve learned a lot this year. I’ve made some mistakes; I’ve learned to advocate for myself; I’ve honored my body when I knew it needed it; I went back to work as a new mom in a pandemic.

The key to all of this motherhood stuff is that I did it. I made it through, and I have a beautiful, curious, funny, loving daughter to show for it.

I know that when I keep showing up for myself, I in turn show up for her and that’s what it’s all about.

To all the mamas, new mamas and soon to be mamas reading this, I am with you. I see you. Everyone’s postpartum journey is unique to them, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep it to yourself. Seek help when you need it and surround yourself with advocates that will help you through.

Having a friend in your corner or a professional to help you when you need can make all the difference.